Questions to Get to Know Someone Better (Without an Interview)

The best questions to get to know someone ask about their choices and what they care about, not their résumé: “What made you say yes to this?” tells you more than “Where are you from?”

30 questions to get to know someone, from light to personal

First conversations 5
Easy, fun topics 6
Their story 5
How they think and what they value 7
A few hangouts in 7

Thandi joined your team on Monday. All you know is that she moved here from Tucson for the job. It's Thursday, and you end up next to her at the office microwave. You'd like to actually get to know her, not just say 'settling in okay?' like everyone else has all week.

Thandi

is watching her leftovers turn in the microwave with a minute left on the timer, glances over and gives a small polite smile

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30 questions to get to know someone, from light to personal

These questions to get to know someone go roughly from light to more personal. Pick based on how well you know them and how relaxed the moment is, and skip the version on the right.

First conversations

First chat, anywhere“How do you know everyone here?”Skip: “Tell me about yourself.” (too big)
They just moved here“What made you say yes to the move?”Skip: “Settling in okay?” (they’ve heard it all week)
They mention where they grew up“What was it like growing up there?”Skip: “Oh, I’ve never been.” (then silence)
They mention their job“What’s your favorite part of it?”Skip: “Do you like it?”
Talking about weekends“What does a perfect Saturday look like for you?”Skip: “What do you do for fun?” (hard to answer on the spot)

Easy, fun topics

They seem into something“What have you been really into lately?”Skip: “Do you have any hobbies?”
Talking about food“What’s the one meal you’d fight for?”Skip: “Do you eat meat?”
Talking about shows or books“What’s something you’d recommend to basically anyone?”Skip: “What’s your favorite movie?” (people freeze)
Side by side on a task“What’s a hill you’ll die on that nobody else cares about?”Skip: An hour of polite silence
Weird but fun“What’s the most useless thing you’re weirdly good at?”Skip: “What’s your worst quality?”
Talking about travel“Where’s a place you keep thinking about going back to?”Skip: “How many countries have you been to?”

Their story

Talking about their past“What did you want to be when you were a kid?”Skip: “So where did you go to college?”
Talking about family“Who are you closest to in your family?”Skip: “Are your parents still together?”
You’ve known them a while in one setting“I realize I don’t know what you do outside of here. What’s taking up your time lately?”Skip: Pretending you already know
Meeting someone close to your partner“How did you two end up friends? I want the real version.”Skip: “So what has he told you about me?”
They tell you a story“Wait, what happened next?”Skip: “Ha. Anyway…”

How they think and what they value

Getting to know how they think“What’s something most people believe that you don’t?”Skip: “Who did you vote for?”
Getting to know what they value“What’s something you’ll always spend money on?”Skip: “How much do you make?”
Getting to know what energizes them“What kind of day leaves you feeling great?”Skip: “Are you an introvert or an extrovert?”
Getting to know their friends“Who’s the friend you’ve known the longest? How’d you meet?”Skip: “Do you have a lot of friends?”
Something they’re working toward“What are you excited about for the next few months?”Skip: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
A small, personal one“What’s a little thing that reliably makes your day better?”Skip: “What makes you happy?” (too big to answer)
When they seem proud of something“What are you proudest of from this year?”Skip: “Was that hard?”

A few hangouts in

Getting to know them better, a few hangouts in“What’s something you’ve changed your mind about in the last few years?”Skip: “What’s your biggest regret?”
About how they’ve changed“What would 20-year-old you be surprised by now?”Skip: “Were you popular in high school?”
About what they care about“What’s something you care about more than most people realize?”Skip: “What’s your deal?”
About how they handle hard times“When things get stressful, what helps you reset?”Skip: “Have you ever been to therapy?”
About the people who shaped them“Who’s someone who changed how you see things?”Skip: “Who hurt you?” (even as a joke)
A thoughtful one for a quiet moment“What’s a question you wish people asked you more?”Skip: Jumping to trauma or exes
Wrapping up, wanting more“I want to hear the rest of that. Coffee next week?”Skip: “We should do this again sometime.” (and never do)

How to follow up on questions to get to know someone

The best questions to get to know someone are half of it. The other half is remembering. If they mentioned a trip, a sick dog or a job interview, ask about it next time: “How did the interview go?” That one follow-up tells someone you were actually listening, and it does more for a friendship than any clever question. Knowing how to get to know someone better comes down to many short conversations, not one long one.

How to use questions to get to know someone

The questions to get to know someone matter less than the order and the follow-up. Here’s how to make it a trade, not an interview.

1 of 4

Start light and specific

The first questions to get to know someone should be easy: what brought them here, how they know the host, what they’re into lately. Specific beats general, just as when you start a conversation. “What made you move here?” is easier to answer than “Tell me about yourself.”

The guest next to you at a wedding

I don’t know anyone at this table, honestly.

Flat reply

“Same. So what do you do?”

“Accounting.” They take a long sip of their drink.

Better reply

“Same! Are you bride side or groom side?”

“Bride. We were college roommates.” Now you’ve got somewhere to go.

Why it works: A light, specific question about why you’re both here is easy to answer.

2 of 4

Ask about choices, not facts

Facts (“Where did you grow up?”) are fine openers, but choices show who someone is: “What made you leave?”, “Why that job?”, “What made you say yes?” People reveal what they value when they explain a decision.

A neighbor walking a new dog

This is Pickles. I adopted him like two months ago.

Flat reply

“Aw, what breed is he?”

“Some kind of mix, they’re not sure.” They scratch his ears, and that’s it.

Better reply

“Aw, hi Pickles. What made you decide to get a dog now?”

“Honestly, working from home got too quiet.” They tell you about the shelter visit.

Why it works: Asking about the choice tells you more about them than asking about the facts.

3 of 4

Share your own answer

After they answer, give yours. Good get to know you questions go both ways; if only one person talks, it feels like a screening. Matching their level of openness also tells them it’s safe to go a little deeper next time.

A date, over drinks

Honestly? I’ve been learning Spanish on my lunch breaks. Badly.

Flat reply

“Nice. How long have you been doing that?”

“Since March.” They look at you like it’s your turn.

Better reply

“Okay, respect. Mine’s bouldering. So far I’ve fallen off the easiest wall twice.”

They laugh: “Okay, now I need to see this.”

Why it works: Sharing your own answer keeps it a trade, not a screening.

4 of 4

Go deeper over time, not all at once

The more personal questions to get to know someone better (what they’re proud of, what they’re working through) belong in a second or third conversation. Trust builds across meetings. You don’t have to learn everything tonight.

A coworker you’ve had lunch with a few times

Can you believe I’ve been here a year already?

Flat reply

“Wow, time flies. Doing anything fun this weekend?”

“Not really.” You’re back to weekend plans, same as the first lunch.

Better reply

“A year! Is it what you thought it would be when you started?”

They pause: “Honestly? Better, but not for the reasons I expected.”

Why it works: A few lunches in, a slightly more personal question is how it goes deeper.

Getting to know you questions that backfire

Asking them in a row. Five questions back to back feels like a job interview.
Going heavy too soon. “What’s your biggest trauma?” is not a first-hangout question.
Not listening to the answer. If they mention a sister in Denver, ask about her before moving on.
Never answering yourself. People can’t get to know you if you only ask.

Questions to get to know someone: FAQ

What are good questions to get to know someone?

Good questions to get to know someone ask about choices and interests: “What made you move here?”, “What have you been into lately?”, “What does a perfect Saturday look like for you?” They’re easy to answer and lead to stories, not one-word replies.

What are good getting to know you questions for new people?

Keep getting to know you questions light at first: “How do you know the host?”, “What’s your favorite part of your job?”, “What’s something you’d recommend to anyone?” Save personal questions like values, family and regrets for when you’ve talked a few times.

What are some interesting or weird questions to get to know someone?

A few interesting, slightly weird ones: “What’s a hill you’ll die on that nobody else cares about?”, “What’s the most useless thing you’re good at?” and “What’s a food combination you love that other people hate?” They show personality fast and are fun to answer.

What are questions to get to know someone better?

Once you’ve covered the basics, questions to get to know someone better go to what they care about: “What’s something you’ve changed your mind about?”, “Who’s someone who changed how you see things?”, “What are you proudest of this year?” Ask them in a relaxed moment and share your own answer too.

How many questions should you ask when getting to know someone?

Fewer than you think. One good question with a real follow-up beats five quick ones. Aim for a trade: ask, listen, follow up, share something of yours, then ask again.

Meet Communicate Better

Good questions to get to know someone only work if you can ask them naturally. Practice one here.

Communicate Better is built for one thing: helping you communicate better. Step into real moments, say it your way, and see how it lands — until the right words come without thinking.

Learn more about Communicate Better →

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See how it lands — and a better line

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