How to Get to Know Someone Without It Feeling Like an Interview

Here’s how to get to know someone: ask about stories instead of facts, answer your own questions too, and follow whatever surprises you — over more than one conversation.

How to get to know someone in 4 steps

Ask for stories, not facts
Answer your own questions
Follow what surprises you
Give it more than one conversation

You're driving three hours to a friend's lake cabin, and she asked you to give a ride to Soraya, a friend of hers you've never met. An hour in, the talk about traffic and podcasts has run dry. Soraya turns the music down.

Soraya

Okay, random question. What's the best concert you've ever been to?

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How to get to know someone in 4 steps

Facts give you a profile; stories give you a person. Here’s how to get to know someone without it turning into an interview.

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Ask for stories, not facts

“Where are you from?” gets one word. “What was it like growing up there?” gets a story. The best questions to get to know someone turn facts into “how” and “what was it like”: how they got into their job, what the best concert they ever saw was, what they’d do with a free Saturday. Stories show what someone cares about.

Your new roommate on move-in day

I’m from Tulsa, originally.

Flat reply

“Oh, cool. Do you have siblings?”

“Two brothers.” Then another pause.

Better reply

“Tulsa! What’s something people always get wrong about it?”

They think for a second, then tell you about their grandma’s diner.

Why it works: A question that asks for a story gets you more than a fact.

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Answer your own questions

When someone asks you something, give a real answer with a detail, then hand it back. When you ask them something, be ready to share too. Getting to know someone goes both ways, and people open up faster when you open up first.

A coworker on a long drive to a client site

So what do you do when you’re not working?

Flat reply

“Oh, not much. Netflix, mostly. What about you?”

“Same, I guess.” The GPS is the only one talking.

Better reply

“Lately I’m trying to learn guitar. Badly. Three chords in. What about you?”

They laugh: “Okay, I played in a band in college. Don’t judge me.”

Why it works: A real answer with a detail invites them to share one back.

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Follow what surprises you

The best part of any answer is the part you didn’t expect: “I hand out water at mile 18” or “I grew up on a boat.” Drop your next question and chase it. That’s how to get to know someone for real — curiosity about the odd detail says “I’m actually listening.”

Someone you’re volunteering next to at a food bank

This is nothing. I used to haul hay bales on a ranch.

Flat reply

“Oh nice. How long have you been volunteering here?”

They answer, and the ranch never comes up.

Better reply

“Wait, a ranch? Like, with cattle?”

They laugh: “Horses, mostly. Okay, so there was this one named Tuesday…”

Why it works: The detail you didn’t expect is the best one to chase.

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Give it more than one conversation

Some people open up slowly, and that’s fine. Show you’re easy to be around — a small offer, a friendly routine, a callback to something they told you last time — and let it build. Knowing how to get to know someone includes knowing when to stop asking and just keep showing up.

A neighbor who mentioned last week that she was planting tomatoes

Morning.

Flat reply

“Morning! So what do you do for work?”

She answers politely. It feels like day one again.

Better reply

“Morning! Did the tomatoes make it through that storm?”

“Two of them did. You remembered that?”

Why it works: Picking up where you left off builds on the last conversation.

How to get to know someone without these common mistakes

Rapid-fire questions. Five in a row with nothing of yours feels like an interrogation.
Only fact questions: job, age, where they live. You learn a profile, not a person.
Topping their story with a bigger one of yours instead of asking about theirs.
Pushing someone who’s private. “Tell me more!” to a reserved person makes them pull back.

How to get to know someone: what to say (examples)

Here’s how to get to know someone in the everyday places it happens — a car ride, a shared kitchen, a volunteer shift. The better lines share something back and follow the interesting part.

The moment	Say this	Avoid this
On a road trip, they ask “best concert ever?”	“A tiny club show where the singer ended up in the crowd. Okay, your turn.”	“Hmm, I don’t know.” (and nothing back)
They wear a marathon shirt but have never run one	“That’s a better story. What gets you out to hand out water?”	“Oh. So… do you run at all?”
A longtime volunteer shows you a trick	“That’s so much better. How’d you figure all this out?”	“Cool, thanks.” (end of conversation)
A new roommate says they keep to themselves	“None taken. I make too much coffee on Sundays, so it’s yours if you want it.”	“Aw, come on, we should hang out!”
They mention something in passing, like a trip	“Wait, you went to Iceland? What was the best part?”	Moving on to your next question
The second time you see them	“How did the move go? Last time you were dreading it.”	Starting over from “so, what do you do?”

How to get to know someone better over time

Real closeness comes from repeated contact, not one perfect way to start a conversation. Remember one thing they told you and ask about it next time — it shows you listened, and it lets the relationship pick up where it left off. Share a little more of yourself each time, and do things together, not just talk: cooking, walking, working on something side by side. People often open up more when they aren’t sitting face to face.

How to get to know someone: FAQ

What are good questions to get to know someone?

Questions that invite a story: “What got you into that?”, “What’s the best trip you’ve taken?”, “What are you looking forward to right now?”, “What was your first job like?” Follow the answer with one more question before you move on.

How do you get to know someone without it being awkward?

Share as much as you ask, and do something together while you talk — a walk, a drive, a task. The awkwardness usually comes from sitting across from each other trading questions. Side by side, conversation flows easier.

How long does it take to get to know someone?

Longer than one conversation. Most people need several meetings before they share much, and some take months. That’s normal. Knowing how to get to know someone is mostly patience plus showing you remember what they said.

How do you get to know someone who is shy?

Lower the pressure: easy questions, comfortable silences, and activities that don’t require nonstop talking. Share a little first, and don’t push when they give short answers. Shy people often open up once they feel safe, not when they’re asked more.

How do you get to know someone over text?

Ask one open question at a time, reply to the details they share, and send things that made you think of them. Texting works best as a bridge between in-person time, not a replacement for it.

Meet Communicate Better

How to get to know someone isn’t learned from a question list. It’s built by doing it.

Communicate Better is built for one thing: helping you communicate better. Step into real moments, say it your way, and see how it lands — until the right words come without thinking.

Learn more about Communicate Better →

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