What Is a Frenemy? The Meaning, the Signs, and What to Say

Here’s the frenemy meaning in plain words: the signs to watch for, and what to say when one plays down your good news.

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A friend who is also a quiet rival. They’re warm to your face, but they tend to compete with you, play down your wins, or pass along things you told them in confidence.

“Congrats on the promotion! I guess they needed someone fast.”
“I only told her because I figured you’d want people to know.”

At brunch, you tell your friends you got the senior designer role you've been working toward for two years. Before anyone else can react, your friend Brooke jumps in.

Brooke

Oh nice! I actually got offered something like that last year, but I turned it down. The pay's usually not worth the stress.

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Frenemy meaning: 4 signs you have one

A frenemy is a friend who competes in a way that leaves you feeling smaller. Spotting one early saves you a lot of second-guessing.

1 of 4

A frenemy shrinks your wins

You share a promotion, and a frenemy jumps in with “Oh, I was offered that too, but the pay isn’t worth it.” No “congrats,” just a quick one-up and a quiet dig. A good friend can feel a flash of envy and still say “That’s amazing.” The frenemy skips that part.

A friend at your birthday drinks

A half marathon? Cute. I did a full one in college.

Flat reply

“Well, mine was really hilly, so it was kind of harder.”

Now you’re debating whose race counts more.

Better reply

“Ha, nice. I’m still pretty proud of mine. First one ever.”

“Okay, fair. What was your time?”

Why it works: When a frenemy shrinks your win, keep it at full size instead of arguing.

2 of 4

A frenemy lights up for your bad news

Tell a frenemy you got a raise and you get a flat “congrats.” Tell them your apartment fell through and suddenly it’s “WAIT, tell me everything.” Notice who shows up for your good news, not just your bad. That gap is one of the clearest frenemy signs.

A friend who just heard about your breakup

Wait, you two broke up?? Okay, tell me everything.

Flat reply

“Ugh, okay. So basically it started in June…”

They’re all ears. Your new job last week got a “nice.”

Better reply

“Yeah, rough week. I’m okay, I just don’t really want to get into it tonight.”

“Oh. Okay, sure.”

Why it works: Notice who only lights up for your bad news, and save the details for friends who cheer the good.

3 of 4

Secrets travel through a frenemy

A frenemy leans in with “You did NOT hear this from me…” about another friend. If a frenemy hands you someone else’s secret, assume they’ll hand off yours too. Gossip is how a frenemy buys closeness with one person by spending another’s trust.

A friend leaning in at a party

Okay, promise you won’t say anything, but Nicole’s marriage is a mess right now.

Flat reply

“No way. What happened?”

Twenty minutes later, you know way too much about Nicole.

Better reply

“Oof. Feels like that’s Nicole’s to tell. How’ve you been, though?”

“Fine, fine.” They change the subject.

Why it works: Secrets travel through a frenemy. If they’ll pass on Nicole’s, they’ll pass on yours.

4 of 4

A frenemy changes around an audience

One-on-one, a frenemy is great. In a group, they laugh when someone mocks you, or barely look your way. A frenemy treats you like a friend in private and a rival in public. Judge a friend by how they treat you in front of others.

Your roommate, at a group dinner with friends

Oh my god, tell them about your Tinder date. It’s so embarrassing.

Flat reply

“Ha, okay, fine. So he shows up…”

The table laughs. They laugh loudest.

Better reply

“Nope, that one’s retired. Somebody else’s turn.”

“Boo.” Someone else jumps in with a story.

Why it works: When a frenemy plays to the crowd, you can turn down the bit without a scene.

How to deal with a frenemy: mistakes to skip

Competing back. Topping a frenemy’s one-up with your own turns every hangout into a scoreboard.
Arguing with the frenemy’s dig (“Actually, the pay is great”). You end up defending your good news instead of enjoying it.
A big confrontation over a pattern a frenemy can easily deny. Name one specific moment instead.
Calling every competitive friend a frenemy. Wanting to beat you is fine — refusing to cheer when you win is the sign.

What to say to a frenemy: examples

Here’s what to say to a frenemy in the moments that usually catch you off guard — short, calm lines that keep your dignity without starting a fight.

The moment	Say this	Avoid this
A frenemy copied a plan you told them about	“I’m not mad, but it stings a little. I’m going to keep my recipes to myself.”	“Ha, great minds!” and swallowing it
A frenemy asks what you earn	“Ha, I keep that one to myself. How’s your team been?”	Giving the number, then feeling weird all night
A frenemy only lights up for your bad news	“Thanks — I’m okay, just bummed. How’s your week going?”	Pouring out every detail to them first
A frenemy says “you used to be fun”	“Still fun, just not drinking this month.”	A long explanation of why
You might be the frenemy	“You’re right, I’ve been distant. Some of it is envy, and that’s on me.”	“What? No, I’ve just been busy.”
A friend beats your best time	“Enjoy it while it lasts. Rematch Saturday.”	Deciding they’re a frenemy for wanting to win

Frenemy or just a competitive friend?

A competitive friend wants to beat you and is happy when you win. A frenemy needs you to lose a little. The test is simple: after your best news, do they cheer? If yes, that’s not a frenemy — enjoy the rivalry. If a frenemy keeps shrinking you, you don’t have to end it dramatically, as with most bad friendships. Share less, see them in groups, and invest your time in the friends who celebrate you. Sometimes the frenemy is you — envy happens to everyone, and naming it honestly is how you stop being one.

Frenemy: FAQ

What does frenemy mean?

Frenemy means a friend who is also a rival. The word blends “friend” and “enemy” and describes someone who acts friendly but competes with you, undermines your wins, or talks behind your back. It’s usually subtle, which is why a frenemy can be hard to spot.

What are the signs of a frenemy?

The common frenemy signs: they one-up or shrink your good news, get more interested when things go wrong for you, pass on other people’s secrets, act differently around a group, and give “honest” criticism with no specifics. One of these is a bad day. A steady pattern is a frenemy.

How do you deal with a frenemy?

With a frenemy, stay calm, don’t compete, and share less. Keep your good news at full size (“I’m really happy about it”), decline gossip, and ask for specifics when they criticize. If it matters to you, name one moment directly: “That comment at dinner stung. What was that about?”

Is it a frenemy or am I being too sensitive?

Look for a pattern, not one comment. Anyone can blurt out something clumsy. If you leave most hangouts feeling smaller, and they rarely celebrate your wins, trust that — that’s a frenemy. If they cheer for you but also like to compete, it’s probably a competitive friend, not a frenemy.

Should I end a friendship with a frenemy?

You don’t have to make it official. Many people just let a frenemy become an acquaintance: less personal news, more group settings, less of your time. If the frenemy is someone you care about, one honest conversation can turn it back into a real friendship.

Meet Communicate Better

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