36 Questions to Fall in Love: How to Set Them Up, Pace Them and Listen

The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron: two people take turns answering three sets of questions that get more personal as they go. What makes them work is how you do them: pitch it lightly, both answer honestly, and respond with care when an answer is tender.

What to say during the 36 questions to fall in love

Before you start 6
While you work through the sets 7
When the answers get personal 8
After the last question 4

You and Kiran have been together three years. Things are good, but most evenings end with both of you on your phones. You read about the 36 questions to fall in love and want to try them together, without Kiran hearing it as 'we have a problem.'

Kiran

is stretched out on the other end of the couch, scrolling, and laughs quietly at something on the screen

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What to say during the 36 questions to fall in love

These rows aren’t the questions themselves. They’re the moments around them: suggesting it, pacing it, and responding when an answer surprises you.

Before you start

Suggesting it to a partner of years“Want to try the 36 questions with me? Not because anything’s wrong. I just like you.”Skip: “I think we need to work on us.”
Suggesting it a few months in“There’s a list of questions that’s supposed to bring people closer. Want to try the first set?”Skip: “It’s scientifically proven to make you fall in love.”
They ask if it’s a test“No right answers. I’ll answer every one too.”Skip: Keeping score of their answers
Picking the setting“Tonight, phones in the other room, and we stop whenever we want?”Skip: Trying it in a loud bar
Deciding who reads“You read the first one, I’ll read the next. We both answer each.”Skip: One person asking all 36
Agreeing on skips“Either of us can skip one, no explanation needed.”Skip: Treating a skip as a red flag

While you work through the sets

The first set feels easy“Wait, tell me more about that.”Skip: Racing through to get to the deep ones
An answer runs long“Keep going, I’m listening.”Skip: Checking how many are left
Moving into the second set“These get more personal. Still good?”Skip: Shifting gears without saying anything
Halfway through, energy dips“Want to stop here and do the last set tomorrow?”Skip: Forcing all 36 in one sitting
It’s your turn to answer a hard one“That one’s hard. Here’s the short, honest version.”Skip: Joking your way out of every serious question
A question feels strange to read out loud“This one’s funny to say out loud, but okay.”Skip: Skipping it without a word
Starting the third set“These last ones are about us. Let’s take our time.”Skip: Treating it like a finish line

When the answers get personal

Their answer is short and tender: “Complicated.”“Thank you for answering. We can leave it there, or you can tell me more.”Skip: Follow-up after follow-up
They share something they’ve never said“I’m really glad you told me.”Skip: Rushing to top it with your own story
They tear up a little“Take your time. We don’t have to keep going.”Skip: “Don’t cry!”
They say something kind about you“That means a lot. I didn’t know you noticed that.”Skip: Deflecting with a joke
You see an answer differently“I see it another way, but I love hearing how you think.”Skip: Debating it right then
They answer with a jokeLaugh, then: “And the real answer?”Skip: Scolding them for not taking it seriously
They ask you a follow-upAnswer it. That’s the point.Skip: “We’re supposed to stick to the list.”
The four minutes of eye contact feels like too much“Let’s do one minute. Laughing is allowed. If it’s weird, we stop.”Skip: Starting the timer anyway

After the last question

“Which question was your favorite?”Skip: “So, do you love me now?”
The next day“I keep thinking about what you said about your grandma.”Skip: Never mentioning any of it again
It didn’t feel magical“That was nice, even without fireworks.”Skip: Deciding it “didn’t work”
You want to do it again someday“Let’s do this again next year and see what changed.”Skip: Turning it into a nightly ritual

Do the 36 questions to fall in love actually work?

The 1997 study by Arthur Aron and his colleagues looked at whether closeness between strangers could be built in a short, structured conversation. It was about feeling close, not about guaranteeing love. What you can reasonably expect from the 36 questions to fall in love is a long, honest conversation that you probably wouldn’t have had otherwise, like a slower game of 21 questions. Whether it turns into more depends on the two of you.

How to do the 36 questions to fall in love

The 36 questions to fall in love can make a regular night feel really close, but only if you set them up and pace them right.

1 of 4

Pitch it as an invitation, not a fix

Say why you want to try it: “I just like you and think it’d be fun.” Without that, a partner can hear the 36 questions as a sign that something’s wrong. Offering to start with just a few makes yes easy.

Your partner of two years, on the couch on a Sunday

What’s that list you’ve been looking at?

Flat reply

“It’s these questions couples do. I feel like we could use it.”

“Use it for what? Is something wrong?”

Better reply

“It’s the 36 questions thing. I just think it’d be a fun way to spend tonight with you.”

“Okay, that’s cute. I’m in. You read first.”

Why it works: Pitching it as something fun, not a fix, keeps them from worrying.

2 of 4

Set it up so it’s easy to be honest

Pick a quiet place, put phones away, and take turns reading. Both of you answer every question. Agree that either of you can skip one, no explanation needed, the kind of easy out good dating tips always include.

Someone you’ve been seeing for a few months, at a packed brewery

Wait, we’re doing the questions here? Right now?

Flat reply

“Sure, why not? Question one: if you could have dinner with anyone…”

They try to answer over the music, half-distracted.

Better reply

“You’re right, too loud. Saturday morning, coffee, no phones? Skips allowed.”

“Okay. Saturday. I’m bringing the good coffee.”

Why it works: A quiet setting and easy skips make honest answers easier.

3 of 4

Go slowly, and pause between sets

The sets get more personal, so check in as you move on: “These get deeper. Still good?” You don’t have to do all 36 questions in one night. Splitting them up is fine.

Someone you’re dating, at the end of the first set

That’s the first twelve. It’s almost midnight, but I’m fine to keep going.

Flat reply

“Great. Set two, question thirteen…”

They answer, but they’re yawning by question fifteen.

Better reply

“Let’s stop here. Set two gets more personal, and I want us awake for it. Tomorrow?”

“Deal. That was nicer than I expected.”

Why it works: Pausing between sets beats rushing to the deep ones.

4 of 4

Respond to answers, not just the list

When an answer is tender, thank them and let them choose how much to say. When they say something kind, take it in. Follow-up questions and small reactions are the point; the list is just a structure.

Your partner, answering a question about their mom

My relationship with my mom? Honestly, it’s… complicated. I don’t know.

Flat reply

“Okay. Next one: what’s your most treasured memory?”

They nod and move on, a little quieter than before.

Better reply

“Yeah? Is that more of a lately thing, or an always thing?”

They pause, then: “Always, kind of. Okay, so…”

Why it works: Reacting to their answer matters more than getting through the list.

36 questions to fall in love: common mistakes

Selling it as guaranteed. The study measured closeness between strangers, not a promise of love.
Racing through to reach the deep ones.
Digging when an answer is tender instead of letting them choose the depth.
Only one person answering. It has to go both ways.

36 questions to fall in love: FAQ

What are the 36 questions to fall in love?

They’re a set of 36 questions from a 1997 study led by psychologist Arthur Aron. The questions are split into three sets, and each set is more personal than the one before. Two people take turns asking and both answer each question. The full list is widely published online.

Do the 36 questions to fall in love really work?

The study was about building closeness between strangers, not making anyone fall in love. What they reliably give you is a structure for a long, honest conversation. They can’t create feelings that aren’t there.

Can couples do the 36 questions?

Yes. Plenty of long-term couples try the 36 questions to fall in love to get out of routine. Pitch it as something fun, not as a fix, so your partner doesn’t hear it as “something’s wrong.”

How long do the 36 questions take?

It depends on how long your answers run. Some people finish in one evening; others split the three sets across a few nights. There’s no reason to rush. The conversation around each answer is the useful part.

What is the four minutes of eye contact?

Many versions of the 36 questions to fall in love end with four minutes of looking into each other’s eyes without talking. It can feel intense. If it’s too much, try one minute, let yourselves laugh, or skip it.

Meet Communicate Better

The 36 questions give you the structure. Responding well to the answers takes practice.

Communicate Better is built for one thing: helping you communicate better. Step into real moments, say it your way, and see how it lands — until the right words come without thinking.

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